This past Saturday, at the monthly meeting of Central Florida Romance Writers, I had the pleasure of attending a presentation by a creativity coach. One of the topics I found most interesting was when she talked about overcoming our inner critic in order to reach our creative potential. What is an “inner critic”? It is that little voice inside one’s head that says things like, “You’re not good enough” or “You will fail” and other expressions of criticism, disapproval, or fear.
Although the speaker was addressing a roomful of writers, you don’t have to be an author to be familiar with the inner critic. All of us have had negative thoughts and doubts about ourselves and our abilities. Some of us have them quite often and about all kinds of things. Although I am very familiar with the inner critic, especially as it relates to my talent as a novelist, I had never stopped to consider its impact on romance, especially on romance within marriage.
Heart-shaped pin cushion I spotted at the fabric store.
Remember when you were young or when you were first dating. Most likely there were times of nervousness and self-doubt. The inner critic may have kept you from asking someone out on a date, making you believe he or she wouldn’t possibly want to go out with someone like you. Maybe your fears left you tongue-tied or even speechless, as the little voice in your head convinced you that you had nothing worthwhile to say. Perhaps you did blurt something out and then immediately heard that inner voice telling you how stupid you sounded and you wished, more than anything, you could take back your words.
Although most of us can relate to the examples above, we may not see any connection to romance in our marriage. Surely we’re not like a nervous teenager when we are around someone with whom we share the toothpaste, the bills, and maybe even a kid or two. And, while it is true we have grown more used to the person on the other side of the bed, the inner critic still tries to slip between us.
I will attempt to give a few examples of exactly what I mean. Has your spouse ever complimented you, but your inner critic jumped in there to intercept it instead of allowing you and your spouse to be drawn closer by it? You know, hubby walks in and says something like “You look pretty today” and, thanks to the inner critic, you respond with “My hair is a mess”.
Have you ever thought of something nice you wanted to say to your spouse, but someone else was around and that annoying little voice in your head told you the other person would think you were weird so you didn’t say it? Or what about wanting to suggest a romantic outing or activity, but somehow that negative self-talk butts in and convinces you that your spouse probably wouldn’t want to do that anyway, so you go do something with your friends instead?
Even if you are a positive person who has completely silenced the negative inner critic, your spouse may be experiencing thoughts that keep him or her from being as romantic as they can be. The lack of romance in your relationship could be as simple as them believing “my spouse probably won’t like this anyway, so why even bother”.
Everyone does not just naturally and easily display their feelings. Some need a bit more encouragement than others and, instead of wearing their heart on their sleeve, they may have to make a more deliberate effort, which is the reason I entitled this post “Sewing Your Heart on Your Sleeve”. Some need to do the work of stitching together little romantic gestures, and they also need to get past the fear of being pricked by the needle of rejection and self-criticism.
Help your spouse get past their inner critic by letting them know you appreciate their romantic gestures and words. Even if their efforts fall short of what you are looking for, the encouragement may be just what they need to get better.
Also, don’t forget to deal with your own inner critic. The best way to accomplish this task is to simply tune out the negative talk inside your head and go ahead and say the romantic words, plan the romantic outing, and show love to your spouse anyway. In last week’s post, I encouraged my readers to find ways to turn their romantic intentions into behaviors, one action per week. With this goal in mind, I’m going to ask you to do something. Not next week, or tomorrow, or even later today, but right this very moment, I ask that you think of something you love about your spouse. Don’t settle on the obvious, but think for a moment about something that you love about them, but that you have never told them you like. Got it? Okay, now tell them. If they are with you, say it. If they aren’t, then send a text message or an email or leave them a voicemail. Tell them even if your inner critic is telling you this is silly. Tell them even if you think they already know. Tune out all of that self-talk and tell them RIGHT NOW.
And, yes, I just did this myself. I’d never ask my readers to do anything I’m not willing to do as well. Hopefully, together we will all add more fairy-tale romance to our real world marriages throughout the coming year. Please remember to invite your friends to follow this blog. As always, comments, “likes”, and sharing are greatly appreciated. Visit my Belle of the Ballpoint Facebook page or email me at nancy.rose9@comcast.net.
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