Sewing Your Heart on Your Sleeve

This past Saturday, at the monthly meeting of Central Florida Romance Writers, I had the pleasure of attending a presentation by a creativity coach.  One of the topics I found most interesting was when she talked about overcoming our inner critic in order to reach our creative potential.  What is an “inner critic”?  It is that little voice inside one’s head that says things like, “You’re not good enough” or “You will fail” and other expressions of criticism, disapproval, or fear.

Although the speaker was addressing a roomful of writers, you don’t have to be an author to be familiar with the inner critic.  All of us have had negative thoughts and doubts about ourselves and our abilities.  Some of us have them quite often and about all kinds of things.  Although I am very familiar with the inner critic, especially as it relates to my talent as a novelist, I had never stopped to consider its impact on romance, especially on romance within marriage.

Heart-shaped pin cushion I spotted at the fabric store.

Remember when you were young or when you were first dating.  Most likely there were times of nervousness and self-doubt.  The inner critic may have kept you from asking someone out on a date, making you believe he or she wouldn’t possibly want to go out with someone like you.  Maybe your fears left you tongue-tied or even speechless, as the little voice in your head convinced you that you had nothing worthwhile to say.  Perhaps you did blurt something out and then immediately heard that inner voice telling you how stupid you sounded and you wished, more than anything, you could take back your words.

Although most of us can relate to the examples above, we may not see any connection to romance in our marriage.  Surely we’re not like a nervous teenager when we are around someone with whom we share the toothpaste, the bills, and maybe even a kid or two.  And, while it is true we have grown more used to the person on the other side of the bed, the inner critic still tries to slip between us.

I will attempt to give a few examples of exactly what I mean.  Has your spouse ever complimented you, but your inner critic jumped in there to intercept it instead of allowing you and your spouse to be drawn closer by it?  You know, hubby walks in and says something like “You look pretty today” and, thanks to the inner critic, you respond with “My hair is a mess”.

Have you ever thought of something nice you wanted to say to your spouse, but someone else was around and that annoying little voice in your head told you the other person would think you were weird so you didn’t say it?  Or what about wanting to suggest a romantic outing or activity, but somehow that negative self-talk butts in and convinces you that your spouse probably wouldn’t want to do that anyway, so you go do something with your friends instead?

Even if you are a positive person who has completely silenced the negative inner critic, your spouse may be experiencing thoughts that keep him or her from being as romantic as they can be.  The lack of romance in your relationship could be as simple as them believing “my spouse probably won’t like this anyway, so why even bother”.

Everyone does not just naturally and easily display their feelings.  Some need a bit more encouragement than others and, instead of wearing their heart on their sleeve, they may have to make a more deliberate effort, which is the reason I entitled this post “Sewing Your Heart on Your Sleeve”.  Some need to do the work of stitching together little romantic gestures, and they also need to get past the fear of being pricked by the needle of rejection and self-criticism.

Help your spouse get past their inner critic by letting them know you appreciate their romantic gestures and words.  Even if their efforts fall short of what you are looking for, the encouragement may be just what they need to get better.

Also, don’t forget to deal with your own inner critic.  The best way to accomplish this task is to simply tune out the negative talk inside your head and go ahead and say the romantic words, plan the romantic outing, and show love to your spouse anyway.  In last week’s post, I encouraged my readers to find ways to turn their romantic intentions into behaviors, one action per week.  With this goal in mind, I’m going to ask you to do something.  Not next week, or tomorrow, or even later today, but right this very moment, I ask that you think of something you love about your spouse.  Don’t settle on the obvious, but think for a moment about something that you love about them, but that you have never told them you like.  Got it?  Okay, now tell them.  If they are with you, say it.  If they aren’t, then send a text message or an email or leave them a voicemail.  Tell them even if your inner critic is telling you this is silly.  Tell them even if you think they already know.  Tune out all of that self-talk and tell them RIGHT NOW.

And, yes, I just did this myself.  I’d never ask my readers to do anything I’m not willing to do as well.  Hopefully, together we will all add more fairy-tale romance to our real world marriages throughout the coming year.  Please remember to invite your friends to follow this blog.  As always, comments, “likes”, and sharing are greatly appreciated.  Visit my Belle of the Ballpoint Facebook page or email me at nancy.rose9@comcast.net.

Looking Into Feeling

My friend felt love today.  It was the kind of love that caused her to write, “My stomach has butterflies…happy ones…”  Later, while sharing with her friends, she told them, “Okay, this one is not run-of-the-mill…punched me in the gut…oh, if you have love like this, lucky you…”

I know what she meant.  I felt it too.  So what exactly was my friend talking about?  Although my description can’t possibly do it justice, I will try.  What my friend experienced was authentic emotion, created by the force of words spoken and sung by a husband and wife as they expressed their wholehearted love for one another in front of the world.

Heart I spotted during a tour of Casa Feliz

Where, you might ask, did we see such a thing? We saw it on Facebook.  Yep.  It was right there, as I scrolled through my News Feed, in the form of a video about a man named Marty Brown and his wife, Shellie, who tricked her husband into attending an audition for the television show, America’s Got Talent.  Although his appearance was during season eight, I had never seen the clip until today.

The song he selected for his performance certainly lived up to the promise of its title.  If listening to this guy’s rendition of Bob Dylan’s “Make You Feel My Love” wasn’t enough to make every listener actually feel it, his wife’s tears and the story of how he sings this song to her in the kitchen every day surely would.  The reaction of the audience and the judges made it appear as if Marty Brown succeeded in making everyone there conscious of the love between him and his wife.

The way this couple looked into each other’s eyes, the way they touched, the way they both got choked up, and the way the wife clearly wanted her husband’s dreams to come true, all exuded true love.  But the real clincher was how they talked about each other.  She said how proud she was of him.  He called her the real star.  One could not only see, but could actually feel the affection coming from their words, tingling and buzzing like the electromagnetic waves generated by high-current power lines.

It’s funny how words have the ability to do that kind of thing.  In the same way that Marty and Shellie Brown’s words caused their strong feelings for one another  to come alive for others, I have witnessed this before in the interactions of married couples I know personally.

The first husband and wife team I would like to talk about is a lot like Marty and Shellie.  He says how proud he is of his wife for working hard on her college courses.  He sings her special songs he wrote, just for her.  He publicly proclaims what a wonderful person she is, says she is beautiful, and thanks the Lord for bringing her into his life.

The wife in this pair is equally good at demonstrating her love.  She says how he is the one she had been praying for and how his smile makes her whole world better.  She describes his loving gestures and speaks from her heart when she conveys how much she enjoys spending time with him.  Often, I have seen each of them refer to the other as “My Love”.

There is much more I could say about this couple, in fact, I could probably write an entire post about their romantic actions toward one another, but this post is about their words.  And because their words are genuine, they give off something palpable, a love that can be felt.

Unfortunately, negative words hold power, too.  I know another couple who smile a lot when they are around others and make a point of publicly saying they are happy, but it certainly doesn’t feel that way.  That is because, when the wife isn’t around, the husband says negative things about her.  He complains loudly to others about her gaining twenty pounds since they were married, about how bossy and controlling she is, how she makes decisions and doesn’t include him, how she lies around spending hours on the internet, how she pesters him by calling or texting him every time he is out of her sight, and how she threatens to divorce him every time he doesn’t want to do things her way.

Again the emotion is palpable, but it is a completely different feeling.  It is one that causes my muscles to tense and, after talking to this man, I feel as if I have been run over by a truck.  It is draining.  It sucks the life and the joy right out of me.  If his words make me feel this badly, as a bystander, I can only imagine how it must feel to be his wife.

The words you put out can have a powerful effect on how someone else feels, not only about you and themselves, but about your entire relationship.  If you don’t believe that, then think about how you felt just now, reading about these different couples.

I challenge my readers to try an exercise.  If you have never seen the video I described above, then watch it. Go to YouTube and search: “Marty Brown America’s Got Talent”.  Watch the entire video.  It is a little over seven minutes long.  Remember how the video makes you feel.  And then do your very best to make your words speak love into existence.  Make your spouse feel your love so strongly that it spills out into the world.  Make it genuine, make it powerful, and make it so that someone looking in will feel butterflies…happy ones.

The Luck of the Draw

Some of my readers assume, because I write a blog on romance in marriage, I must have a perfect relationship with an extremely romantic husband. It is true I have shared stories of a few of my mate’s lovey-dovey gestures, writing posts about topics such as how he proposed marriage to me twice, how he planned an at home date involving a hammock and a CD filled with the sound of ocean waves, details on a love letter he wrote to me, the humorous ways he delivers his pet names for me, and my very first post, about one of my favorite, romantic memories involving flowers.  Still, my husband will be the first to tell you that being romantic does not come naturally to him.

The facet of romance he struggles with the most is coming up with the language to use when attempting to speak amorously. Sometimes, he even has difficulty thinking of topics of conversation.  Although my husband has many strong points, finding the right words is not one of them.

An example of the latter came up just last night. For those of you who are really observant, you may notice that this week’s blog post is a day later than usual.  Due to the fact I was dealing with several stressful events in my life and a case of general exhaustion, I simply could not write my blog.  Several times, I half-jokingly pleaded with my husband to write it for me.  In response, he provided me with the words he managed to come up with on his own.  The following is his blog post, in its entirety:

“Romance is cool! Do it with your spouse!”

That’s it. My husband wrote an eight word post.  Oh, and he added a hand drawn heart on the paper, since each of my blog posts always have a photo that has a heart somewhere in it.  I briefly considered posting those eight little words and calling it a night, but, realizing my readers have come to expect more, I tabled the whole thing until today, and wrote the post you are now reading.

Although my husband’s blog did make a point, there are just some times when you need more than eight words. This brings me to the topic of this week’s post.  Where do you get the words to enhance your relationship with your spouse?  I am hopeful that I may have found one possible answer.

Conversation Starter Cards for Husbands and Wives

Over the years, I have given my husband many hints…uh…I mean gifts to improve the quality of our relationship. I have found everything from booklets of romance coupons to devotionals for couples.  I have bought romantic board games, card games, and a pair of dice you roll to find out if you should give your spouse a surprise, a kiss, or tell them a secret.  I have bought books full of romantic stories, ideas, and 101 ways to kiss your spouse.  Some of these have been more successful than others, providing a few fun hours, while others have languished on a shelf. This time, I am hopeful.  I think I may have hit on something that will be a great success.

My newest purchase is a box of cards which promise to provide “88 Great Conversation Starters for Husbands and Wives”, which sounded to me like the perfect aid for my husband. Everyone who knows me also knows I do not need such help, since I rarely run out of things to say.  Nevertheless, I am willing to use these too, since the box promises that the cards are a great resource to create intimacy and build a strong marriage.

Flipping through the deck, I decided to randomly draw six of the cards to see what kinds of conversation starters were included. Here is what those six cards said:

1. If we could pick up and move to any location in the world, where would you like to go? What do you like most about where we live now?
2. Name three words that describe you. Name three words that describe me.
3. If you could have super powers, what would they be? Who is your favorite super hero?
4. What is your idea of the perfect birthday celebration? What could we do on your next birthday to make you feel special?
5. What was a time in your life when you had to be brave? In what ways do you see courage in me?
6. Name one thing you like about my appearance, one thing you enjoy in my personality, one talent you admire, and one character trait you respect.

 

These questions sound like they could actually lead to interesting conversations. Besides the questions, each card also has either an inspirational quote or bible verse.  Although I bought my cards at a hospital gift shop, they are also available on Amazon for $7.99, which seems worth the investment to me if they can help you and your spouse learn more about each other and grow closer.

Even if you don’t purchase the cards, I hope you will try some of the questions above with your spouse, and let me know how it goes. You can leave a comment on this blog or email me at nancy.rose9@comcast.net .  And as always, don’t stop looking for ways to keep the fairy-tale romance alive in your real world marriage.

Opening Your Heart

On a recent outing to an antique store, I came across a heart-shaped curio table.  It was a lovely wooden piece with a cherry finish and a hinged glass top that kept the treasures inside dust-free.  As I looked at it, I imagined all kinds of things I could display within the compartment.  There was something very appealing to me about being able to switch out the items exhibited inside the table.  It meant the freedom to redecorate, as styles changed or just on a whim to showcase the things I wanted to see.

Heart-shaped curio table I photographed in an antique store.

More importantly, I liked knowing that, no matter how precious the objects I might choose to present within that table, the glass would protect them.  None of my beloved belongings would get damaged.  No spilled drinks, or dirt, or cracks and chips from accidental falls.  Everything would remain visible, yet safe, behind the glass.

That’s not how it works in our own lives.  The treasures of our hearts can’t be defended in the same way, especially when dealing with romantic relationships.  If we attempt to put up barriers to protect ourselves, not only does it fail to keep our feelings safe, but it actually causes damage to our ability to have an intimate connection with our spouse.

I have a lot of experience in this area.  There have been many times when, if I were the curio table I just described, I would have thick, darkly tinted glass that would be difficult to look through in either direction.

When visibility is decreased, it is impossible to appreciate the full beauty of what is in front of you.  I have found myself, at one time or another, on both sides of the protective glass.

There have been occasions on which my husband told me he loved me, either in words or by some action, and I didn’t respond.  Either I wasn’t in the right frame of mind to accept the love he was offering, or I was upset about something else and was unable to clearly see what was being displayed.  At other times, I have had good thoughts about my husband, thoughts of appreciation for something he has done or who he is, thoughts of how much I love him, thoughts of how handsome he is, or how he makes my life happy in some way, but I didn’t share them with him because of my fear that it would somehow make me vulnerable by revealing what was in my heart.

This week’s post may be short and to the point, but it is an important point, nevertheless.  In order to get the most from the romantic relationship with your spouse, you first have to make sure you are open enough to see the love coming from them and that you bravely display that love right back.  Opening your heart is one of the most important steps toward finding the fairy-tale romance in your marriage.

Breaking Bread, Breaking the Silence

Have you ever been in a restaurant and noticed a couple sitting together, eating their meal in total silence?  Have you ever worried that you might be turning into that couple who seems to have nothing left to say?

Although I am sure almost everyone struggles to come up with interesting topics from time to time, I am not talking about the occasional, normal lull in conversation.  I am referring to that awkward deafening silence that cannot be overlooked.

I witnessed an example of this last weekend, while having breakfast with my husband.  Waiting for our waitress to finish at a nearby table, so I could let her know there was a problem with my order, I couldn’t help but wonder what in the world was taking her so long.  Turning in my seat toward her, I overheard a male customer chatting with her.  This guy wasn’t just asking a question or ordering his food.  He was having a full-on conversation with her.  He talked, and talked, and talked, until finally I had to say, “Excuse me”, in order to get some service.  After the waitress turned her attention away from the customer, there wasn’t another peep out of him.  He sat there, for the better part of an hour, in total silence, not saying a single word to his wife.

Loaf of bread served in a restaurant. One piece was found in the bread basket, squashed into the shape of a heart. Found by Morgan Madsen.

Over the years, I have seen plenty of couples not speaking to each other; however, lately, I have been noticing more and more examples like this one: cases of couples who clearly are capable of carrying on lively discussions, but seem to have more to say to a near stranger than to their own spouse.  Although I am sure there are a number of different reasons for this phenomenon, I am more interested in coming up with a solution than in figuring out why the problem exists.

As simplistic as this may sound, there is only one way to make sure you and your spouse don’t turn into “that couple”.  You simply have to talk to each other.

For some people, that is easier said than done.  I know some aren’t as verbal as others.  I also know that, when you limit topics to ones that would be considered “romantic”, many of us are really at a loss.  For these reasons, I am going to list some of my favorite ideas for conversation starters to use with your spouse.  Take your loved one out for dinner, lunch, breakfast, coffee, or ice cream, and try out some of these:

#1 When you first met: Talk about what you liked about your spouse, when you knew you were in love with them, what you still like about them, and why you’d choose them all over again.  Ask them to do the same.

#2 Memories: Talk about your favorite vacations together, holidays, and happiest times.

#3 The future: Talk about goals and dreams, personal and shared.  Talk about the long-term as well as something more immediate, such as three things you both would like to learn or accomplish before your next birthday.

#4 Self improvement: Talk about your own flaws and what you would like to do to work on them.

#5 Preferences: Talk about likes and dislikes and how they have changed over time.

#6 Sex: Discuss any issues in the bedroom, as well as things you like.

#7 Proud moments: Share stories of achievements in your life and talk about how they made you feel and why they mattered.

#8 Date ideas: Talk about activities you would both like to do and places you would like to go.  Make plans for a date.

#9 Beliefs: Share what is really important to you in terms of your relationship with God or your beliefs in matters of faith.  Discuss what is going on in that area of your life.

#10  Just for fun: Talk about hobbies, which song makes you think of your spouse, the biggest surprise of your life, your favorite romantic movie, the silliest thing you ever did, the most disgusting thing you ever did, and a secret your spouse doesn’t know about you.

You have nothing to lose.  Talking more with your spouse will not only help you form a stronger bond, but will also bring some of the excitement back to your relationship.  If you have any favorite topics of conversation, please share them in the comment section.