A Touching Romance

Steamy or sweet, erotic or inspirational, most romance novels feature the sense of touch in a prominent role.  There is nothing like fingertips lightly grazing a cheek, lips barely touching, or hands tightly entwined, to communicate closeness between two people.  Romance writers often turn to the sense of touch to add details that strengthen the story and the connection between two characters.  This isn’t true only in fiction, as the same can be said about this sense’s effect on couples involved in real-life love stories as well.

Of course, my last statement assumes that both partners have similar comfort levels when it comes to touching, which isn’t always the case.  We all know some people are huggers and others are not.  One person might be comfortable with public displays of affection, while their spouse might be embarrassed at the thought of others witnessing what they consider to be a private moment.  As with any other romantic gesture, one size does not fit all and individual differences must be taken into account if you want your efforts to bring more romance into your relationship.  For example, it probably wouldn’t be a good idea to book a couples massage at a spa if your spouse doesn’t like the idea of being touched by a stranger. Please remember to always keep your spouse’s preferences in mind when considering ways to incorporate the sense of touch into your romantic repertoire.

A simple gesture that goes a long way when it comes to adding romance is hand holding.  My husband and I hold hands everywhere we go, especially on our evening walks around the neighborhood.  I tend to walk much slower than my husband and, without realizing it, whenever we didn’t hold hands, he would easily get ahead of me.  Sometimes it even felt like we were participating in separate activities as I struggled to keep up with him.  There’s just something about us holding on to each other as we walk side-by-side at the same pace that makes me feel more connected to my husband.  This form of touch has spread into other activities, and we often reach for each other’s hands while watching television, across the table in restaurant, and as we sit together in church.

As it turns out, I learned there is a scientific reason for feeling more connected when we hold hands.  I recently read an article about how touch releases hormones into the blood that are responsible for making relationships stronger by making people feel more connected to the person touching them.

Old-fashioned machine I spotted at Disney’s Boardwalk Inn

Hand holding isn’t the only kind of touch that evokes a physiological reaction.  A kiss or a gentle caress opens up the blood vessels under the skin.  Besides all the other benefits of massage, such as increasing circulation, reducing muscle tension, lowering anxiety, and improving sleep, this type of touch also increases affection by causing the release of oxytocin and serotonin, which make people feel more connected.  Plus, massage is an activity that allows you to spend time simply doing something together.  There are many books and DVDs out there that teach various massage techniques you and your spouse can try out on one another in the private comfort of your own home.  Some stimulate the sense of touch even more with the addition of heat, oil, or even an ice cube, slowly melting across the body on a warm day.

Or how about trying a quick activity like running your fingers through your spouse’s hair or closing your eyes and tracing their face with your fingertips?  Not only does this not require any advance planning or special paraphernalia, but it can also enable you and your love to feel a special connection that you don’t have with anyone else, heightening the sense of romance between the two of you.

For more tips on how to add romance to your relationship, please “Follow” this blog and my boards at www.pinterest.com/nancyrose9 .  Remember to “Like”, comment, and share this post.  You may also email me at nancy.rose9@comcast.net

The Marriage Quilt

With the arrival of autumn, many of my friends, especially those further north, have been talking about leaves changing colors and falling, days growing shorter, and the weather turning cooler.  Fall can be a very romantic time of year.  It is the perfect season to share a mug of warm cider, snuggled up in a quilt with your spouse beside a toasty fire, either indoors in front of a fireplace or outside around a bonfire.

But, what about that quilt?  What exactly are you and your spouse wrapping yourselves up with?  Before you think I have lost my mind and am going off on some tangent that has nothing to do with romance in marriage, please stick with me for a moment.

Now, I know there are many different kinds of quilts.  I am referring to the type made up of many blocks, joined together to form a pattern.  The squares all touch each other, shaping the way the quilt looks.  If one square is off by just a little bit, it can change the appearance of the entire quilt.  If any of the blocks aren’t sewn correctly, the whole thing can come unraveled.

Heart quilt I found at church.

I started thinking about this a few days ago, while looking closely at this heart quilt, which I discovered hanging in the church I attend.  Each block appears to have been made by different people, who, then, signed their names around the squares.  As I studied the quilt and the names, I was struck by how much influence each person’s square had on all of the others.  One bad block is all it would take to ruin the overall effect.

The same is true in marriage.  The people we surround ourselves with can have either a positive or negative influence on the total picture of our marriage.  If we hang out regularly with people who think cheating is okay, or with family members who encourage us to lie to our spouse, or with friends who don’t value our marriage, it is going to leave a mark on our relationship.

When my husband and I were first married, one of his family members did everything she could to make it clear she did not approve of him choosing me as his wife.  Interestingly enough, she had already decided this before she even met me or knew anything about me, other than the fact that I was older than him. She made every effort to dissuade both of us from marrying each other.  She tried to set him up with a date with another woman while we were dating, openly insulted me at my bridal shower, tried to make me and my friends believe he really had cheated on me when he had not, called my place of employment to complain about me, and did several other things that are too embarrassing to even write.

Everything came to a head one Christmas Eve.  I had invited her to our home for dinner and we were exchanging gifts.  When I opened her gift to me, I was completely shocked to find she was giving me back a special embroidered handkerchief we had given her on the occasion of our wedding.  It had been personalized for her and she returned it to me.  During the course of the same evening, she also managed to criticize my young son.

Needless to say, all of this had an impact on our marriage.  It caused much unnecessary stress and hurt feelings.  It caused problems whenever there was an event where she would be in attendance.  It caused strife between my husband and me. After the Christmas gift incident, my husband decided enough was enough.  He told her she had to respect his wife and he didn’t want to see her until she was ready to do so.  She chose to end all ties with him, rather than to support our marriage.

The reason I am sharing all of this is twofold.  First of all, a marriage is very much like a quilt.  It can become a tattered rag or a precious heirloom.  To keep it from falling apart, you need to make sure that you are surrounding it with sound support.  Secondly, you have an influence on the other marriages that are around you.  Be supportive, consider if your advice reinforces and strengthens their relationship, and try to encourage others in finding the fairy-tale romance that can exist in their own real world marriages.  Oh…and stay warm and cozy.

Holding Up Your Heart for All to See

I recently attended a special event which began with a reception where an interesting array of African and Indian foods and beverages were served, followed by a performance that included a live orchestra and choir, dancers, film, and a celebrity narrator.  The evening concluded with the best part of all: a street party with live music, more amazing food, performers, and lots of dancing.  It was while I was dancing in the street that I, along with my fellow partygoers, learned the evening was even more special for one couple in attendance.

Photo I snapped of a hand in the crowd during the street festival

After the band announced that this man and woman had just become engaged at the event, the audience cheered and clapped.  Then the couple came out into the middle of the crowd and everyone began dancing while holding their hands up in the air, making a heart shape with their thumbs and index fingers in honor of the couple.  It was impossible to miss how everyone shared, if only for a moment, in the newly engaged couple’s happiness.

I was reminded of this phenomenon again a few days ago, when a former high school and current Facebook friend posted photos, comments, and a beautiful quote in honor of her and her husband’s 34^th wedding anniversary.  All of these posts received many “likes” and comments that showed how happy their friends were for them.  I am sure that you, like I, have seen this play out many times before, when others are celebrating their anniversaries, a date, or some other special occasion with their spouse.  And, for some reason, we all seem to really enjoy these love stories.

If family, friends, and, as in the example of the event I mentioned above, even total strangers enjoy these public expressions of love, just imagine what this will do for your spouse.  Now, I know some of us are more comfortable with public displays than others.  But would you be willing to step just a bit out of your comfort zone to build up your spouse and to make your relationship stronger?

This is one of those occasions in which you can actually use a public forum, such as Facebook, to your advantage.  I have seen some great examples on there: posts in which people compliment their spouse, write about how long they have been together, or come right out and describe their feelings of love.  I’ve even seen videos posted in which the husband performed songs to his wife to let her know how much she is loved!

If that’s not your thing, then even posting a simple message like “I love spending time with my husband/wife” will do wonders to make your spouse feel special.  Of course, you can do this in person, too, making similar types of comments to others in the presence of your spouse.

Whether you are currently starring in your own love story or not, you can still share in someone else’s joy.  The next time you notice one of your friends making a positive comment about their spouse, offer encouragement for their efforts.  Even saying something as simple as, “I’m happy you have someone who makes you happy” will work.

Marriage is not always easy.  Any little action that can have a positive impact on your own relationship or on the relationships of others is worth a try.  Then you, too, will be doing your part to bring together “fairy-tale romance and real world marriage in the happily ever now”.

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