Intentions of the Heart

Plans are only good intentions unless they immediately degenerate into hard work.   -Peter Drucker

One of the most difficult parts of writing a blog is typing that all-important first sentence, each and every week.  For many writers, it is a task even more daunting than coming up with topics to write about.  For me, I believe some of the pressure comes from knowing that, not only does the first thing I jot down influence the direction of everything I write after, but it also determines whether my audience will be interested enough to keep reading.  Finding the right words, an engaging topic, a good title, and even taking an eye-catching photo (with a heart in it), for every post is a lot of work, not to mention getting all of that loaded onto the site of my blog and following through with the behind-the-scenes labor, such as promoting my work on Facebook, and Pinterest, and Twitter, as well as within writing groups, classes, and with people in general.

While I would expect most people wouldn’t consider everything that goes into writing a blog, there is one thing I am very glad my readers realize.  I am thankful they notice when I haven’t written.  Many of you contacted me during the past few weeks, checking to see why you weren’t receiving your weekly email with my newest post, asking if there was a problem with your email, or my blog, or with me.  First of all, I would like to thank those who took the time to contact me.  I cannot begin to express what it meant to me to hear that you enjoy my blog and that you missed reading it.

Ornament photo submitted by a reader for the spouse ornament challenge in the December 5th post. Love the heart!

After posting for 36 straight weeks, I would like to say it was the holidays that got me off track.  While it is true that finding and wrapping the perfect gifts, decorating, baking, cooking, and attending special events did take their toll on my time, and I did choose to spend as much of my days as I could with my loved ones, I probably still could have fit in some writing if I really tried.  I wanted to write.  I thought about it several times.  I guess part of me was tired and didn’t want to work that hard.  Maybe I was being lazy.  Maybe I just needed a break.  And, now, maybe the brand new year is an opportunity for me to get off to a fresh start, one that is full of more than good intentions.

How many of us could say exactly the same thing about romance in our marriage?  Many of us have ideas about the things we would like to do, ideas of having regular date nights, communicating more with our spouse, surprising them with romantic gestures, and going off together on little getaways.  For some reason, our good intentions get derailed and we don’t follow through.  We allow other obligations to get in the way.  We’re too tired.  We don’t want to put in all of that effort.  Maybe we just don’t get around to it.  And, before we know it, we have drifted further away from our plans to improve our marriage and, perhaps, even further away from our spouse.

The best thing about a new year is it can be a time of new beginnings.  I challenge you to make a commitment along with me.  While I come up with the first sentence for every new blog post, you come up with that one all-important action you will take each week to add some romance to your marriage and then DO IT! Why?  Because, just like the first sentence in my writing, a romantic gesture directed toward your spouse can set the tone of everything that comes after and can determine if you hold your spouse’s interest until the end of your love story.

No first effort is too small.  If you need help, you can search the suggestions offered in my blog (read back through a few of my past 36 posts for ideas) or from many other great sources that are out there.  The important part is to do more than just think about it.  It may be hard work at first, but it will get easier as you go along.  If you miss a week or even a few, don’t give up.  Simply start over again, taking one action per week.  It is my hope and my prayer for you, dear readers, that you will be able to turn the good intentions of your heart into behaviors, filling your real world marriage with fairy-tale romance throughout 2015.  Happy New Year and wishing you lots of love in the year ahead!

Mementos of Love

Sometimes the littlest actions can make the most impact, especially when it comes to creating traditions that will help you and your spouse bond.  This week, I would like to share one of my favorites.  Not only is this tradition easy to keep up, since you only have to do something once a year, but it is never too late to start, regardless of how long the two of you have been together.

In our case, the custom began before we were even married.  Every single year, since our very first Christmas together (while we were still dating), my husband and I have presented each other with an ornament on Christmas Eve.  It is important to note that these have not been just any old decoration or trinket, but something special that was deliberately selected because it either conveyed our feelings or helped us to recall the memories of good times we had together.

The first ornament my husband gave me was a snowman family standing together.  There were four snow people: a man, a woman, a little boy, and a little girl.  At the time, I was a divorced mother with, you guessed it, a young son and a daughter.  Although my husband did not propose to me for a few more months, it was his way of telling me he hoped we would become a family.

Ornament I gave my husband on our first Christmas as a married couple in 1999

Many of our ornaments over the years have been like this one, a simple expression of how we felt about one another.  They have included a serious pewter heart adorned with double wedding rings and the words “Our First Christmas” which I had engraved with the message “I Love You Greg!” and gave to my husband on the first holiday after our wedding, and a silly ornament from another year with the cartoon skunk, Pepé Le Pew, chasing the girl cat toward a big coffee mug that says “I Love You a Latte”.

There’s a little yellow smiley face couple kissing, drawn together by magnets that are located inside, and another ornament that is a cup of hot cocoa with a male and female marshmallow that plays a recording of a sexy male voice asking if she’s hot.

Some of our other ornaments reflect our specific interests and our spouse’s acknowledgement that these are things we like.  When I owned a bookstore, my husband gave me an ornament that had a stack of classic books on it.  Another time, he gave me one that looked like a box of my favorite chocolates and another that was made by Thomas Kinkade.  I gave him two of his favorite team, the Redskins, an ESPN Sports Center Santa, and one with the Grinch, a cartoon character he really likes.

We have ornaments that make us both smile, like the one that is a miniature replica of the house from National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation and plays the “Hallelujah Chorus” when the little Christmas lights come on, or the beautifully crafted glass donkey I gave my husband one year because he was being so stubborn.

Some of the best ornaments of all are the ones that represent some place we went or an activity we enjoyed together.  There’s the little jeweled teapot that reminds us of the tea seminar and tasting we attended, and the one of Moses that makes us laugh every year when my husband yells, “Let my people go!” as he hangs it on the tree, a shared memory of something he did to capture the attention of a bunch of sixth graders when he and I taught Sunday School together.

Since we are both Disney freaks, we have more than our share of Mickey ornaments, including ones from various Walt Disney World Resorts where we have stayed, one with a photo of our family in costume when we attended the Mickey’s Not-So-Scary Halloween Party, and one of Mickey Mouse’s house that lights up and plays music.

We even have an ornament that represents our move from Virginia to our present town, a pretty green ball with our current town’s logo on it.  Looking at that ornament reminds us of the difficulties we overcame to get here and how we achieved a goal together.

And that is the best part of this tradition.  Each year, as we unwrap the ornaments and place each one on the tree, we share a memory, a laugh, and an appreciation of all of the Christmases, the years, and the experiences we have made it through with each other.

I challenge each of my readers to start this custom.  This year, buy an ornament for your spouse that represents something you have done together, or that has been important to the two of you.  It doesn’t matter what it is, as long as it has meaning to you.  Please take a photo of the ornament before you wrap it and send it to me at nancy.rose9@comcast.net before December 21^st. One or more photos will be selected to be published in my Christmas Day post.

If you enjoyed this post, please “like” or leave a comment.  Remember to hit “follow” and enter your email address.  After responding to the confirmation email, you will receive one email per week with a new post.  Thanks again and I hope you find more fairy-tale romance in your real world marriage.

Growing an Entwined Life

Today is my husband’s birthday.  Next week is Thanksgiving.  Before I know it, Christmas will be here.  So many occasions in such a short period of time, with each of them requiring some kind of special effort involving food, and gifts, and decorations, and other preparations to help us celebrate.  Of course, the endless duties of regular life don’t disappear just because of a holiday.  And even though I always manage to get everything done, sometimes I find myself wondering if it is all more trouble than it’s worth.

This year, I thought about simply going out to eat at a restaurant for Thanksgiving.  It seemed very appealing at first, especially when considering it would mean no cleaning the house, no figuring out every detail and ingredient of the menu, no baking, no cooking, no dragging out the good china and crystal to set a beautiful table, and no dishes for my husband to wash (yes, he does do the dishes, bless his heart).  Hubby and I could rest and take it easy, our only task consisting of opening a menu and placing our orders or making our way up to the buffet.  Then, after sufficiently stuffing ourselves, we could go home and take a nice, long nap.

It sounded like the perfect holiday to me.  For some reason, our grown children did not agree.  Our son, who recently started a new job, was unable to provide us with his work schedule, making it impossible to come up with the specific time necessary to make dining reservations at restaurants that book up early, particularly on a day like Thanksgiving.  Our daughter not only wanted what she refers to as “home food”, but also requested that we continue a new tradition we started last year, when we spent Thanksgiving weekend in a small cabin in the middle of a pine and cypress forest.

Bamboo plant I found in a shop. I love how it forms a heart and is growing together!

So, you guessed it, next week my husband and I will not only be doing everything we normally do for the holiday, but we will also be packing up our clothes, as well as all of the pots and pans, measuring cups and spoons, cutlery, aluminum foil, serving pieces, and, of course, the turkey and all of the ingredients to make our Thanksgiving meal in a tiny kitchen in a little cabin in the woods.

As I try to remember what else we took last year, I recall how we strung a few Christmas lights on the railing of the cabin’s deck.  We also took along some charcoal, a tablecloth for the outdoor picnic table, and the fixings to make S’mores and hot dogs on the grill, during our third evening in the cabin, after we had grown tired of eating turkey.

Now that I think about it, we did have fun last year.  Besides the cabins, there were people camping in RVs and some of them went all out in decorating their sites.  We took walks, went fishing, ate a big country breakfast, and looked at the stars.  And then there were the leftovers.  There’s nothing quite like a midnight snack of pumpkin pie and a turkey sandwich with cranberry sauce.  We wouldn’t be able to get that if we went to a restaurant.

I’m glad my kids are holding me to our family traditions.  Even though some of our holiday customs have been in our family since the kids were little, some were added just last year, and we may include something new this year and in the years ahead, the important thing is that we are having experiences together that are helping us bond, make memories, and find a way of doing things to form and grow our identity as a family.

I have decided I would like it to be the same way within my marriage.  We already do have a few traditions.  For example, every New Year’s Eve we toast each other with sparkling grape juice and make sure we give each other a kiss on the stroke of midnight.  President’s Day weekend has become a time when my husband and I go away alone together to a hotel for a mini romantic vacation.  We snuggle up together with a mug of hot cocoa on the first cold day of each year.  I know that my husband will bake brownies for me on every one of my birthdays and he will give me Godiva dark chocolate on Christmas and Valentine’s Day, just as he knows I will get him his favorite coffee ice cream cake on his birthday.  We each get to choose the restaurant we want for our own birthday dinner.  Every Thanksgiving morning, we can be found watching the Macy’s parade on television together before all of the cooking begins.  We have spent a part of many of our anniversaries watching our wedding video.  We always hold hands when we walk together and as we sit in church.  On the fourth of July, we can be found somewhere watching fireworks and on Easter, we go out to brunch after church.  We have also maintained collections over the years, including wine corks from special dinners and Disney pins that commemorate some special event, or a hotel, or restaurant, or other memory we enjoyed together at Walt Disney World.  Just looking through our collection of pins together brings back the memories and the good feelings associated with the fun times we had with each other.

There is something special about keeping the same practices.  And even though I want to keep every single one of ours, I think it is a good idea to add a few new customs once in awhile, just to keep things fresh and to keep us growing even more connected to each other.  This year, I added something new to make my husband’s birthday a little more special.  I sent him several emails throughout the day with images I found on the internet, some funny and some serious quotes wishing him a happy birthday.  I even found a romantic video on YouTube, complete with music, images of couples walking along a beach, and printed words that expressed how much I loved him.  I think he liked it because, not only did he send me an email telling me how romantic it was, but he told me how he thought about the emails all the way home from work.

Another addition I am considering involves making a romance journal in which we can keep pictures and record notes of romantic dinners, dates, and memories and then setting aside time to look through the scrapbook with each other.  My husband suggested that we take a picture as a couple each year on Valentine’s Day or our wedding anniversary and put them all in a photo album so that we can see ourselves growing old together.

Regardless of whether or not you currently have romantic traditions, it is never too late for you to add some.  The activities and the time spent with your spouse will help you become more entwined as a couple, growing roots made up of happy memories that will help keep your marriage strong and bring more joy into your life.

Please leave a comment about this post or share some of your favorite romantic traditions.  If you enjoyed this blog and would like to receive an email with a new post each week, please remember to sign up to follow Belle of the Ballpoint.  You may also reach me at nancy.rose9@comcast.net

Looking Into Feeling

My friend felt love today.  It was the kind of love that caused her to write, “My stomach has butterflies…happy ones…”  Later, while sharing with her friends, she told them, “Okay, this one is not run-of-the-mill…punched me in the gut…oh, if you have love like this, lucky you…”

I know what she meant.  I felt it too.  So what exactly was my friend talking about?  Although my description can’t possibly do it justice, I will try.  What my friend experienced was authentic emotion, created by the force of words spoken and sung by a husband and wife as they expressed their wholehearted love for one another in front of the world.

Heart I spotted during a tour of Casa Feliz

Where, you might ask, did we see such a thing? We saw it on Facebook.  Yep.  It was right there, as I scrolled through my News Feed, in the form of a video about a man named Marty Brown and his wife, Shellie, who tricked her husband into attending an audition for the television show, America’s Got Talent.  Although his appearance was during season eight, I had never seen the clip until today.

The song he selected for his performance certainly lived up to the promise of its title.  If listening to this guy’s rendition of Bob Dylan’s “Make You Feel My Love” wasn’t enough to make every listener actually feel it, his wife’s tears and the story of how he sings this song to her in the kitchen every day surely would.  The reaction of the audience and the judges made it appear as if Marty Brown succeeded in making everyone there conscious of the love between him and his wife.

The way this couple looked into each other’s eyes, the way they touched, the way they both got choked up, and the way the wife clearly wanted her husband’s dreams to come true, all exuded true love.  But the real clincher was how they talked about each other.  She said how proud she was of him.  He called her the real star.  One could not only see, but could actually feel the affection coming from their words, tingling and buzzing like the electromagnetic waves generated by high-current power lines.

It’s funny how words have the ability to do that kind of thing.  In the same way that Marty and Shellie Brown’s words caused their strong feelings for one another  to come alive for others, I have witnessed this before in the interactions of married couples I know personally.

The first husband and wife team I would like to talk about is a lot like Marty and Shellie.  He says how proud he is of his wife for working hard on her college courses.  He sings her special songs he wrote, just for her.  He publicly proclaims what a wonderful person she is, says she is beautiful, and thanks the Lord for bringing her into his life.

The wife in this pair is equally good at demonstrating her love.  She says how he is the one she had been praying for and how his smile makes her whole world better.  She describes his loving gestures and speaks from her heart when she conveys how much she enjoys spending time with him.  Often, I have seen each of them refer to the other as “My Love”.

There is much more I could say about this couple, in fact, I could probably write an entire post about their romantic actions toward one another, but this post is about their words.  And because their words are genuine, they give off something palpable, a love that can be felt.

Unfortunately, negative words hold power, too.  I know another couple who smile a lot when they are around others and make a point of publicly saying they are happy, but it certainly doesn’t feel that way.  That is because, when the wife isn’t around, the husband says negative things about her.  He complains loudly to others about her gaining twenty pounds since they were married, about how bossy and controlling she is, how she makes decisions and doesn’t include him, how she lies around spending hours on the internet, how she pesters him by calling or texting him every time he is out of her sight, and how she threatens to divorce him every time he doesn’t want to do things her way.

Again the emotion is palpable, but it is a completely different feeling.  It is one that causes my muscles to tense and, after talking to this man, I feel as if I have been run over by a truck.  It is draining.  It sucks the life and the joy right out of me.  If his words make me feel this badly, as a bystander, I can only imagine how it must feel to be his wife.

The words you put out can have a powerful effect on how someone else feels, not only about you and themselves, but about your entire relationship.  If you don’t believe that, then think about how you felt just now, reading about these different couples.

I challenge my readers to try an exercise.  If you have never seen the video I described above, then watch it. Go to YouTube and search: “Marty Brown America’s Got Talent”.  Watch the entire video.  It is a little over seven minutes long.  Remember how the video makes you feel.  And then do your very best to make your words speak love into existence.  Make your spouse feel your love so strongly that it spills out into the world.  Make it genuine, make it powerful, and make it so that someone looking in will feel butterflies…happy ones.

The Luck of the Draw

Some of my readers assume, because I write a blog on romance in marriage, I must have a perfect relationship with an extremely romantic husband. It is true I have shared stories of a few of my mate’s lovey-dovey gestures, writing posts about topics such as how he proposed marriage to me twice, how he planned an at home date involving a hammock and a CD filled with the sound of ocean waves, details on a love letter he wrote to me, the humorous ways he delivers his pet names for me, and my very first post, about one of my favorite, romantic memories involving flowers.  Still, my husband will be the first to tell you that being romantic does not come naturally to him.

The facet of romance he struggles with the most is coming up with the language to use when attempting to speak amorously. Sometimes, he even has difficulty thinking of topics of conversation.  Although my husband has many strong points, finding the right words is not one of them.

An example of the latter came up just last night. For those of you who are really observant, you may notice that this week’s blog post is a day later than usual.  Due to the fact I was dealing with several stressful events in my life and a case of general exhaustion, I simply could not write my blog.  Several times, I half-jokingly pleaded with my husband to write it for me.  In response, he provided me with the words he managed to come up with on his own.  The following is his blog post, in its entirety:

“Romance is cool! Do it with your spouse!”

That’s it. My husband wrote an eight word post.  Oh, and he added a hand drawn heart on the paper, since each of my blog posts always have a photo that has a heart somewhere in it.  I briefly considered posting those eight little words and calling it a night, but, realizing my readers have come to expect more, I tabled the whole thing until today, and wrote the post you are now reading.

Although my husband’s blog did make a point, there are just some times when you need more than eight words. This brings me to the topic of this week’s post.  Where do you get the words to enhance your relationship with your spouse?  I am hopeful that I may have found one possible answer.

Conversation Starter Cards for Husbands and Wives

Over the years, I have given my husband many hints…uh…I mean gifts to improve the quality of our relationship. I have found everything from booklets of romance coupons to devotionals for couples.  I have bought romantic board games, card games, and a pair of dice you roll to find out if you should give your spouse a surprise, a kiss, or tell them a secret.  I have bought books full of romantic stories, ideas, and 101 ways to kiss your spouse.  Some of these have been more successful than others, providing a few fun hours, while others have languished on a shelf. This time, I am hopeful.  I think I may have hit on something that will be a great success.

My newest purchase is a box of cards which promise to provide “88 Great Conversation Starters for Husbands and Wives”, which sounded to me like the perfect aid for my husband. Everyone who knows me also knows I do not need such help, since I rarely run out of things to say.  Nevertheless, I am willing to use these too, since the box promises that the cards are a great resource to create intimacy and build a strong marriage.

Flipping through the deck, I decided to randomly draw six of the cards to see what kinds of conversation starters were included. Here is what those six cards said:

1. If we could pick up and move to any location in the world, where would you like to go? What do you like most about where we live now?
2. Name three words that describe you. Name three words that describe me.
3. If you could have super powers, what would they be? Who is your favorite super hero?
4. What is your idea of the perfect birthday celebration? What could we do on your next birthday to make you feel special?
5. What was a time in your life when you had to be brave? In what ways do you see courage in me?
6. Name one thing you like about my appearance, one thing you enjoy in my personality, one talent you admire, and one character trait you respect.

 

These questions sound like they could actually lead to interesting conversations. Besides the questions, each card also has either an inspirational quote or bible verse.  Although I bought my cards at a hospital gift shop, they are also available on Amazon for $7.99, which seems worth the investment to me if they can help you and your spouse learn more about each other and grow closer.

Even if you don’t purchase the cards, I hope you will try some of the questions above with your spouse, and let me know how it goes. You can leave a comment on this blog or email me at nancy.rose9@comcast.net .  And as always, don’t stop looking for ways to keep the fairy-tale romance alive in your real world marriage.

Two of a Kind

You might not consider a pair to be much of a winning hand when it comes to poker, but what about when it refers to a couple dressing alike?

The topic of this week’s post came to me after my husband and I attended a Halloween Party, dressed as the King and Queen of Hearts. Before all of you card players correct me, I know those two cards would not constitute a pair in poker, but the two did go together as a couple’s Halloween costume.

We have had our costumes for a few years now. To be honest, when I first purchased them, they were not intended to be worn as his and her outfits.  They were part of a four costume order, which also included a Mad Hatter suit for my son, and Alice in Wonderland garments for my daughter.  I thought the four of us looked adorable and we probably still would, except for the fact that my son and daughter refuse to wear their costumes now.

My King of Hearts

Nevertheless, my husband and I continue to sport our outfits every year, when we go to Mickey’s Not-So-Scary Halloween Party at Walt Disney World. Unlike my grown children, my husband gladly wears his costume.  In fact, if you ask me, he seems to like it just a little bit too much.

My husband really plays up the whole king thing. Walking regally through the park, responding to his subjects (fellow party-goers who are calling out to him how much they like his outfit), and, this year, even posing for photos with total strangers.  And where am I while all of this is happening?  Standing right there beside him each year (although this year I was in a wheelchair due to a back injury), being completely ignored.

Well, perhaps not completely ignored. Every once in awhile, one of these strangers included me by shouting, “Look!  It’s the King and…and…uh the Heart Lady”.

That’s me. The Heart lady.  Not even the Queen of Hearts.  Just some lady.  Just an afterthought.  I’ve grown so tired of it that I told my husband I want new costumes next year.  Actually, I wanted new ones this year.  I wanted to be Belle and thought he’d make a pretty good Beast.  Not only is Belle my favorite Disney Princess, but I thought the costume would work well with my brand, after all, I am Belle of the Ballpoint!  For some reason, the King didn’t want to give up his crown.

Hubby did concede that I could be Belle if I wanted and he could still be the King of Hearts. Are you kidding?  Those two don’t go together!  He obviously is missing the entire point of couple’s costumes!  I wanted our outfits to match, for others to recognize that we’re together.

I’m one of those people who, over the years, bought matching pajamas for our immediate family to wear on Christmas and identical sweaters for us all to wear on New Year’s Eve. For some reason, it makes me feel like we’re all part of the same team, connected by something visible.

Apparently, I am not the only one who likes this sort of thing. I read about one couple who have worn matching outfits for 35 years!  They buy fabric and sew masculine and feminine versions of similar garments, cut from the very same cloth.  The couple says they like to dress alike because it makes them feel connected.

In China, there is a new trend in which couples wear matching outfits as a way to display their love, in much the same way that people in other countries wear wedding rings. Hearing about this reminded me of the words spoken by the pastor at our wedding ceremony when my husband and I exchanged rings.  The pastor said our wedding rings were “an outward, visible symbol of an inward spiritual grace”.  Maybe it is a version of the same kind of thing for those who like to dress alike.

Regardless of where you stand on the issue of matching outfits, it is important that you do something to display your sense of connectedness and love for each other. Wear wedding rings, hold hands, carry pictures of each other in your wallets and on your phones, get the same tattoos, display matching bumper stickers, or have secret signals that confuse other people because they don’t understand them.

Anything you can think of that will help you feel connected and show the world you are together as a couple is not only worth doing, but will help you find fairy-tale romance in your real world marriage. Take it from me.  After all, I am the Heart Lady.

Having A Healthy Heart For Romance

I have known for some time that oatmeal is supposed to be good for the heart. The brand I buy has the words “Heart Healthy” prominently displayed in capital letters on the container.  I have seen other labels with the symbol of a heart printed on them and information about how, as part of a healthy diet, oatmeal can lower LDL (or bad) cholesterol.  Just in case I missed this information on the packaging, my breakfast pointed it out.  Right there, in the bowl, one of the dried apricots I had hurriedly chopped and tossed into my oatmeal was in the shape of a heart!

Apricot heart found unexpectedly in my bowl of oatmeal.

Despite the fact that I have been finding heart shapes all over the place since I began writing this blog, I was astounded! The first thing I did was to grab my phone and take a photo.  Then I saved the photograph, figuring that someday I would write a blog post to go along with it.  Today is that day.

The idea of keeping one’s heart healthy for the sake of romance hit me on a recent outing with my husband. A few days ago, we went to an event at which a number of the other people in attendance were older than us.  I couldn’t help but notice that about 80% of the other people there were women.  It wasn’t that the event was something men wouldn’t like.  It wasn’t that we had stumbled onto a group of women who were at the high end of the curve that measured the divorce rate.  Almost all of the women there were widows.

These women still have a lot of years of life left in front of them, but no longer have a spouse beside them. Although I know most men have shorter life expectancies than women, the thought of it made me feel sad.

Of course, we never know what is going to happen in life and we can’t control most of the things that do happen, however, I believe we should do our best to be there for our spouse. I believe we owe it to them to take care of ourselves and to try to be as healthy as we can be, not only so we can have more time together, but so that we don’t become a burden to our spouse because of poor choices we have made.

Nothing says, “I Love You”, like your presence. No matter how much your spouse knows that you care about them, I am sure they would rather hear it straight from your mouth in the years that lie ahead.

In the meantime, love one another. Time is precious, spend it together.  Talk, go on dates, surprise one another, have fun.  Do everything you can to find the fairy-tale romance of your real world marriage in the happily-ever-now, because there are no guarantees for tomorrow.

The Romance of Playing

My husband and I recently had the pleasure of spending a few days with my sister, my brother-in-law, and my two nieces on a mini vacation. The purpose of the trip was to spend some fun, quality time with family, and that is exactly what happened.  We talked and shared with each other while relaxing in the hot tub and sauna.  We listened (and danced a little) to street music, watched giraffes, zebras, ostriches, flamingoes, and wildebeests, and rode buses, boats, and monorails.  My nieces and sister made art, I played pool with my brother-in-law, my husband played checkers with our niece, and all of us laughed.  We even visited a few shops, ate some ice cream, had a few good meals in restaurants, and played 18 holes of mini golf.

We had good times together and I believe it brought us all closer together. Even though we stay in contact with text messages, phone calls, and Facebook, even though we see each other at various family gatherings and holidays throughout the year, there is something different that happens when people get together just to have fun and play.  It adds a layer of richness to their relationship and joy to their life.

Vintage heart clock with a couple swinging: a gift I received from my husband

The same thing is true within a marriage. Relationships that are enriched with laughter and fun will be able to hold up better when difficulties arise.  The following quote on having good times together, taken from Harmony in Marriage (published in 1939) says:  “Recreation, especially, lightens burdens of fatigue and care, and at the same time promotes harmony and gives life a good taste.  It is well named when it re-creates, and every home ought to build into its experience plenty of good times planned and carried out together.  Therefore, the two should be alert to find the available things that are fun to do together.”

And please do not overlook that important last word: “together”. I know many people who spend plenty of time enjoying their own hobbies and interests, but they do very few fun activities with their spouse.  Perhaps you can learn to enjoy something your spouse does for recreation.  If you have tried and it just isn’t your idea of a good time, then look for activities you both can enjoy.

The following poem, also taken from Harmony in Marriage, although somewhat dated, still sums it up nicely:

Happy is the wife

Who knows how to be a playmate

To share and enrich her husband’s leisure

And happy is the husband,

Who is giver of good times,

And a comrade to his wife.

For many burdens and cares

Must be shared within the home,

But in good times together,

They lay up larger stores of joy. 

Look for something fun to do with your spouse. Find a way to play.  You can try some of the activities we enjoyed on our little getaway or come up with your own.  Play checkers or a board game.  Play pool, or miniature golf, or real golf, or tennis.  Fly a kite or fly high up into the sky on a swing.  Ride bicycles or horses.  Go fishing or swimming.  Jump in the leaves.  Play in the snow.  Paint a picture or put a puzzle together.  Go hiking or do karaoke.  It doesn’t really matter what you do as long as you both enjoy it.  By playing and having fun together, you will give yourself and your spouse the gift of a full and happy life.

A Heart as Art, Or Art for the Heart

As many of my readers know, I draw inspiration for a large number of my blog posts from various heart-shaped items that I have either found and photographed myself, or that have been sent to me by others. These images have included a potato chip, a clock, a chicken sandwich, a picture frame and everything from a waffle, to an opening in the clouds, to an antique curio table.  The one common feature of all of these items is that they are all shaped like hearts.

It is amazing how, once I began looking for hearts, they started popping up everywhere. A few of my readers have reported the same experience.  So, it was no surprise to me how, on a recent stroll around the House of Blues, it was a small heart embedded in a huge piece of outdoor art that caught my eye.

Close-up of a heart in a work of art

Now, you have to understand, this work was much taller than me. It was made from something like cement and it had all kinds of trinkets planted in it.  Items such as golf tees, picture frames, a seahorse, and sparkly pieces of jewelry adorned the sculpture; yet, it was the heart in the center of the whole thing that caught my eye.

Although my first thought was how the heart contributed to the piece of art, as a writer who specializes in romance, I wondered if the reverse was also true. I considered how art contributes to the heart.

Art is a form of communication. It expresses ideas that often cannot be expressed any other way.  It brings beauty, emotion, and a new way of looking at things to those who enjoy it.  Art can also be an experience that people share and take pleasure in together.  When I thought about it, I realized that all of these features are important in a marriage as well.

Maybe you can learn something more about romance while appreciating art with your spouse. Go to an art museum or a dance performance.  Buy a sketchbook and spend an afternoon drawing each other’s portraits.  Go for a walk together and take photographs which you can later use to make a collage to remember the day.  Read a book of poetry to your spouse and talk about which poems you each like the best.  Take an art class together.  Mix a CD of songs your spouse will enjoy.  Finger paint.  You may find that the two of you have new common interests or, at the very least, something fresh to talk about.  Remember, anything that can help keep your relationship exciting and refreshed is a work of art in itself.

The Marriage Quilt

With the arrival of autumn, many of my friends, especially those further north, have been talking about leaves changing colors and falling, days growing shorter, and the weather turning cooler.  Fall can be a very romantic time of year.  It is the perfect season to share a mug of warm cider, snuggled up in a quilt with your spouse beside a toasty fire, either indoors in front of a fireplace or outside around a bonfire.

But, what about that quilt?  What exactly are you and your spouse wrapping yourselves up with?  Before you think I have lost my mind and am going off on some tangent that has nothing to do with romance in marriage, please stick with me for a moment.

Now, I know there are many different kinds of quilts.  I am referring to the type made up of many blocks, joined together to form a pattern.  The squares all touch each other, shaping the way the quilt looks.  If one square is off by just a little bit, it can change the appearance of the entire quilt.  If any of the blocks aren’t sewn correctly, the whole thing can come unraveled.

Heart quilt I found at church.

I started thinking about this a few days ago, while looking closely at this heart quilt, which I discovered hanging in the church I attend.  Each block appears to have been made by different people, who, then, signed their names around the squares.  As I studied the quilt and the names, I was struck by how much influence each person’s square had on all of the others.  One bad block is all it would take to ruin the overall effect.

The same is true in marriage.  The people we surround ourselves with can have either a positive or negative influence on the total picture of our marriage.  If we hang out regularly with people who think cheating is okay, or with family members who encourage us to lie to our spouse, or with friends who don’t value our marriage, it is going to leave a mark on our relationship.

When my husband and I were first married, one of his family members did everything she could to make it clear she did not approve of him choosing me as his wife.  Interestingly enough, she had already decided this before she even met me or knew anything about me, other than the fact that I was older than him. She made every effort to dissuade both of us from marrying each other.  She tried to set him up with a date with another woman while we were dating, openly insulted me at my bridal shower, tried to make me and my friends believe he really had cheated on me when he had not, called my place of employment to complain about me, and did several other things that are too embarrassing to even write.

Everything came to a head one Christmas Eve.  I had invited her to our home for dinner and we were exchanging gifts.  When I opened her gift to me, I was completely shocked to find she was giving me back a special embroidered handkerchief we had given her on the occasion of our wedding.  It had been personalized for her and she returned it to me.  During the course of the same evening, she also managed to criticize my young son.

Needless to say, all of this had an impact on our marriage.  It caused much unnecessary stress and hurt feelings.  It caused problems whenever there was an event where she would be in attendance.  It caused strife between my husband and me. After the Christmas gift incident, my husband decided enough was enough.  He told her she had to respect his wife and he didn’t want to see her until she was ready to do so.  She chose to end all ties with him, rather than to support our marriage.

The reason I am sharing all of this is twofold.  First of all, a marriage is very much like a quilt.  It can become a tattered rag or a precious heirloom.  To keep it from falling apart, you need to make sure that you are surrounding it with sound support.  Secondly, you have an influence on the other marriages that are around you.  Be supportive, consider if your advice reinforces and strengthens their relationship, and try to encourage others in finding the fairy-tale romance that can exist in their own real world marriages.  Oh…and stay warm and cozy.